Ponderings of a 14 year old girl...

Who am I? What am I? What is life? Is life simply defined by the breaths we take? Are we really just an evolusionised version of monkeys? Then what are souls and spirits? Which philosophy to go by? Do good, don't do bad... what is good? What is the definition of good??

By this worlds standards I am a good girl. I don't drink, i don't smoke, i don't party, I do well in school, I've never had a formal detention and I am a christian. I am a goody-goody. So why then did i feel so bad when i read 2 Corinthians 5:10? Because deep down i know that i am a bad person, an awful one. Even though I have faith i am going to heaven, i am not sure i am prepared to get what i deserve, infact, i'm not sure i've done ANYTHING good in my life... Nothing worth recording or remembering. What IS the definition of good? How are you sposed to do "good" if you don't know what "good" is.

I wish I had a spirit guide that showed me which direction to go and led me to do everything good in my life. Apparently there is already one available, the Holy Spirit. I've had the holy spirit in me for a while now but i can't feel it. Perhaps my life is to clogged up with wordly and sinful things to really let it work...
- my diary early last year

Now, i just found that today and I found it quite intereting. You might read it and think that i wasn't a christian when i wrote it. I was, i was just trying to see things from other peoples perspective. I also found it difficult to (argh i don't know the right word here) believe, put my faith in or just get close to a God that i couldn't feel. I mean, i was always hearing of all these fantastic Christians who feel God whereever they go, and they have such immense faith and stuff... and i just wondered why that feeling just seemed to come and go. Kind of like a shooting star: spectacular, when you see it...

Any way, the reason i am showing this is because i think that a lot of us go through this. When you kind of feel like God isn't there and you feel confused about the world. A little while ago Erin and I decided to do a 30 day challenge, where we read little sections of the bible every day and pray for our biggest prayer request. I have stuck to this plan, and boy, it is so good getting close to God. Then i realised: we have to be the ones to make the effort with God and we can't be fickle when spending time with Him. And we can''t rely on those shooting stars - however wonderful they are. Draw near to me and I will draw near to you.

I stumbed across this today, and i sincerely hope this prayer applies to you.

2 Kings 6:17 'And Elisha prayed "Oh LORD, open his eyes so he can see." '

I want to see, and i want you to see too.

Anyway, that's what's been going on in my mind recently. I hope I made sense and i hope that you can get something out of it. I mean seriously, God is the King of the Universe, and we expect HIM to come to US??! Regardless of how ridiculous it seems, He does come to us. We just can't see Him with our eyes shut.