Lately i've been feeling.... i don't know.
Just feeling.

Moody? happy? sad? angry? worried?

Yer, probably the last one.
Worried.

Worried mostly about peoples perceptions of me.
Which i shouldn't, but i do.

I know the way my peers percieve me. I know the way my friends percieve me, and i am happy with that. Your friends and your peers see you usually correctly. They see you from a level point of view. But i guess i worry about how others percieve me. Non-peers.

Do they think i am bad?

I seriously think they do.
I see the way they look, mutter. I just feel the ominous, hateful vibe. And it worries me. It depresses me. I feel like asking, what I've done wrong, but that would just make me a trouble maker.

They don't realise the effort, the prayers, the sheer will-power i've given to be nice. To actually be loving. Sigh.

I think: It's MY right to be angry.
I think: I should be the cold one.
I think: I despise them, i want them to fail.

I think: .... I just want to be loved :(

I guess at the bottom of it all, we want reciprocation. We want to get out what we put in. We want people to reciprocate our love with love. Reciprocate our respect with respect.
But i guess it doesn't happen like that. And we just have to cop it, and continue loving, even if nobody notices. Even if it makes them despise you more.

Even if they think your being fake.

In the end, that's our reward. God knows our hearts, and God knows theirs.

On another note, one thing i've personally experienced, and what i personally find to be the most horrid accusation to experience, is to be accused of being "ingenuine" and "not putting God first."

That friggen hurts.

seriously.

I think: HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD? HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I PRAY? HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME, YOU JUDGEMENTAL SELFISHLY AMBITIOUS BASTARDS.

but then i think: What does it matter. God knows my heart, God knows their hearts.
And God loves us just the same.

I am no better than them, but can't i reap the rewards now?
I want to be reciprocated.

Later, maybe.
But either way, he knows.

And i'm happy. i'm forgiven, I've forgiven, and i'm forgiving each day.

There's a bigger story in the making :)