My Fruit.

So, it seems that i am a manipulative, selfish brat.

I have come to realise that i help no one but myself.

I'm quite increibly passive and cold and comfortable. I hate that.

i am neither hot or cold.
I am nothing at all.
I am luke-warm.

lazy
content
apathetic

nothing
nothing

nothing.

And i know that i am slowly freezing to death. The cold is washing over me.

I am a manipulative person. I manipulate people. Not sneakily and subtly, but openly.

I also pull myself up by dragging others down.

Sometimes, i enjoy the failure of others.

I say too many seedy things, or at least think them.

I am too emotional, feel sorry for myself to much.

I hurt peoples feelings. Sometimes deliberately.

I mock people, sometimes infront of them when they dont even realise it.

I am stubborn, I hate being wrong. And if i graciously accept defeat, it is only because i feel like it, or i got bored of the argument, or because it wouldn't hurt my pride to lose.

I am proud. I don't apologise when i should. Apologising is losing.

I think mean thoughts constantly. And sometimes i verbalise them. No, OFTEN, i verbalise them.

I gossip constantly. I don't tell peoples secrets, but i constantly tell peoples faults. Constantly.

A while ago, i discovered a power.
I can lead people and start things.
But i abuse that power, i lead people to share my grudges.
I think: I'm just offloading
I think: Sorry God!
as i pick apart other people.
I lead other people wrongly.

I dislike people with no cause. I don't like them, so i hold them to that.

I am often two-faced.
I smile and laugh even when i dislike you, or when i have a problem with you because i don't have the balls to talk to your face and sort it out in love.

I'm scared of hurting peoples feelings, so i am dishonest.
At the root of it, this is selfish. The only reason i don't want to hurt your feelings is because i want you to like me.

I never confess my sins.

I care way more about myself than i care about you.
If it came to the crunch, you wouldn't even be on my radar.

I once told Amity to shut up.

i slam my bedroom door at least once every 3 months.

I don't do any homework..... ever.

I procrastinate to a ridiculous measure.

I take things way to personally, and sometimes blow things out of proportion.

I don't care enough, and belittle things to the point that i become insentive and destructive towards myself.

I have deliberately hurt someones feelings before.

I want the world to be a better place, yet i do nothing.

Sometimes i just dont give a stuff about people.


I once told a teacher that i have a list of things i do wrong. They told me to burn it, because it is a burden to bear.

I say, i want to bear it. My sin, my burden to bear. I am not going to unload it so that i have more to bear in the future.
Only Jesus can take my burdens, not flames.

Only Jesus can fix things and make them right.

Our sin puffs us up.
But in reality, we are so so small.

Tiny, insignificant, incompetent muck.

I reflect on my life and my actions, and it is disgusting.
revolting.
i can't think of one thing beautiful inside of me.
not one thing that is a reflection of God.

The only thing remotely close to that, is my desire to be near to God.
and that is all.

That is all.

But is that enough?

is that really enough?

To be continued.