I have a secret.
i am a very scared human being.
I am scared of many things, but mostly people.
I am terrified of pain inflicted by other people, and i am terrified of losing people I love at the hands of other people. I am sick with fear of torture. I am terrified of being close to tragedy.
I am afraid of blood, afraid of death and afraid of being afraid.
Do you know that feeling, that feeling of crippling fear. Your heart beats incredibly fast, and you can't move at all... no matter ho hard you try, you can't scream, or make a single sound.
I am terrified of feeling that. No, i am terrified of legitimately feeling that.
I am terrified of actually waking up to noises in my house, and not being able to move. I am terrified of that moment where it might actually be the end.
I was never scared of monsters. I was always scared of people. It's at the hands of people that billions of people die. People are so incredibly cruel. Humans can round up other humans and gas them. Humans can rape other humans, murder other humans, take other humans, torture other humans.
and that capability is in all of us.
Billions of people have legitimately felt fear. Billions of humans have felt torture while they die. And thousands are probably going through torture this very second.
I don't want to die alone, and I don't want to die afraid.
I hate being the last person awake. I don't know why, i just do.
Every night i pray very hard for the people I love. Crazy praying. Crazy looney on drugs praying. Selfish praying. I couldn't stand to lose anyone that I love. I honestly think the pain would kill me.
It's easy to hear about people suffering, people going through unimaginable pain, but at least we can switch off when it gets too hard to handle.
Thank God we are living in a safe country right now. Thank God we are the privileged few in this demented world.
Please God, let us remain untouched.
I think it is good that you are aware of reality, because reality is scary. I am sick of us living in this imaginary world where we all think that everything is happy clappy honkeydory, whilst people are living in constant fear and pain. I am glad that you don't decide to turn a blind eye to it like so many people do. Reality is terrifying, and it's massively hard, even to just listen and be aware, because we are comfortable in our sheltered little holes. But your willingness to allow yourself to be aware and be affected by it i think is the biggest step to actually doing something about it. I love you Miah! :)
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