For my own benefit.

Lists are a beautiful thing. once you write them, you can keep on track and know exactly what your obstacles are. Like assessing your enemy.
I have a few things that i feel i need to get down onto a list. School stuff, and then i need to just get down stuff thats stressing me out.

So! these are the things that are coming up at school:

- Maths assignment.
- English Essay test.
- Ancient Test.
- Art Prac Assignment.
- Vet readings and booklets.
- Vet Sacred meal.
- Drama performance.
- design thingy for Ancient page :)

things that are stressing me out:

- my lost journal
- my lost school book, along with critical sheets and notes.
- Work
- Musical
- Nominations for leadership
- Spending too much money
- My birthday

*sigh*
i really need to get started on my maths assignment, at least get it out of the way.
I also need to get cracking on Art, seriously... Miss Ham is expecting a lot and so far... I've got stick figures on card board. No joke.

The English essay i can study for closer to the date, and i listen well in class and take notes. I also read the book the first day we got it and rented out the movie and watched it over the holidays, so i think i understand it pretty well.

The Ancient test i need to study for closre to the date. And i'm stressing because i lost all my sheets and notes in that school book of mine. *sigh*
That book had lots of things in it, drawings, notes, ideas, important sheets from every subject and it just vanished last week.

As for my Vet readings and booklets, i am so behind. It'll take so much work and effort to get teachers to sign stuff, try to remember things to log, work up hours and just sit and fill out the excercises.

The sacred meal for Vet tomorrow is taken care of. Mummys cooking up some fried rice right now :D and decorating the room should be fuuuun :D

The Drama performance scares me. Scripts down tomorrow and i haven't learnt one line. i am pretty much gunna drown. i need to learn them, and fast.

And the ancient page, don't know why i put it on there. it should be fun to do, but yer. it's on the list coz it's something i have to do :)

Oh boy.

Like a fish.

SO!
musical auditions were today.
i was compleeeetely calm about it all day. i laughed at the people who stressed (in my head) and i mocked the people who stressed (in my head).

i came up to the audition, slightly unprepared. I had tried to memorise the lines for the Yente as much as i could, but either way, 2 afternoons notice was not enough to prepare and polish a piece worthy of auditioning.

I walked up and saw a bunch of anxious kids... waiting. But still i kept my cool. I went to the toilet, i pretened to flash people, i laughed i joked, and i was cool. But people started talking. I could see people getting called in, see people coming out. i felt their fear, and their nerves some how jumped onto me. And then, Kate and i were called in. And my heart started to beat faster, and faster, and faster....

When i started my scene, i got words wrong, i stuttered, i clutched onto my script and i rarely looked up. Just like i would do in an oral presentation. ANd then i was told to "Drop the random Irish accent".

=_=

Then came the singing time. I had practised so well! I had all my actions planned out! "just be confident" i told myself. But when i got up there, i froze, and my throat closed up. I was screaming at my legs to move, screaming at my arms to wave around, screaming at myself to be enthusiastic and confident, but my nerves crippled me.
The tension in the air was unbearable. it would've been painful to watch, especially painful for the teachers who knew me to watch :S
I was telling Erin that she would've hated to see it. You know when you watch someone who's SO bad that its seriously painful to watch??
well yer. That person was me this time :S

Ratcliffe asked me to sing again, and he got me to do my scene again. But still, i flopped.

Like a fish.
flop flop, flop flop.

The floppiest fish you could ever imagine.

Then scrambled out of the room, in a hurry, despite the fact that Mr Blackmore had told me to sing a bit of Frumah Sarah's song. I just ran away.

Like a fish.
run run, run run.

The runniest fish you could ever imagine.

And when i left the room i was abused severly for not auditioning as Frumah Sarah. They spat on me and kicked me and almost picked me up to throw me back into the audition room. But i kicked and screamed and protested!

Then the door screaked open, and Mr Blackmores glorious face appeared and he said something like "Mariah, come in here and do your Frumah Sarah"

and i went in there, and i screamed and shouted PEAAAAAARLLLSSSSSSSSS and pretened to bash a girls head around. And it was fun.

FUUUUN!!!!!!!!! :D

But still, it is slightly shameful that Mr Blackmore had to come and get me cause i was too scared to do it myself!!!

Just like a fish.

I am sitting outside on my little swinging swing, and the windy windy is wind-ing. It's chilly, and the windy wind doesn't seem to have any particular place it wants to be. It just whips around me, beating at the tress.

Sometimes, i close my eyes and imagine that it is God whispering to me

Mariah, i am with you.

Today i have to write my testimony for this leadership thing. I dont know where to begin. I don't know where to begin my testimony. to write my testimony would be to write my whole life story. To write my whole life story is putting pen to paper something words cannot contain.

How can i describe God and his love and mercy? because in the end, that is what my testimony is.
A story about someone so horrid and disgusting and wretched with sins that reach the heavens that can be loved by a lovely, gentle, powerful, awesome, just, caring, compassionate, graceful and infinitely merciful God.

It brings me to tears really.

small spaces

Dead, dead, dead, you seem dead, dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, you seem dead, dead.

i used to think i understood. What a stupid fool i am.

perhaps if the taunts continue they will awaken...

Dead, dead, dead, dead, you seem dead, dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, you seem dead, dead.

STILL DEAD. STILL DEAD.

A constant cry is how is there to be anything positively changed in an environment like this, routines....


But then again there has beat. This feeling, dim and soft but there that makes me speak.

Yes, i am jealous.
I am jealous of any closeness what-so-ever. Saul. Sympathy. I feel sorry for him, and it all seems so unfair.

i am jealous, and also selfish. I would spend eternity just sitting, listening, talking, building and constantly seeing more.
completely selfish.
i don't care about other people, that's not my aim. My aim is for me, me, me. and even if eternity was eliminated - i still want it for me.

My motivation is not for appearances, screw appearances. It's selfish, greedy, jealous desire.

This coldness, this restlessness, this nuetrality drives me crazy! itching, burning thirst for more that can't be quenched!

But i've gone so far, it seems impossible to turn back. I've failed with something so small, how will i ever be trusted again.
An untrustworthy, selfish, jealous, greedy person.
Dissatisfied, unfulfilled, unrested. Needing more.

Soooo,

we have access to blogger at school :D

yer.

I am currently doing ancient history work and it is haaaardd!!!!

i am gunna fail!!! BUT, good news, it turns out it is due a week later than i originally thought. THANK YOU FOR THAT INFORMATION ERIN!

I was so excited that i actually bit her. I BIT HER!!!!! :D

yer, imma go now. BYE.

TO THE CAPITOL!!

What do we do in Ancient history????
ummmm... the question should be what are we 'supposed' to be doing in Ancient history.

Ancient history is gold. possibly the funnest subject EVER. GO THE PLEB UNION!!!!!

Ancient Rome was a terrible, horrifing place to live. We are currently learning of the battle over the Lex Sempronia Agraria law.

'Oh look! Tiberius wants a crown!'

It was a horrible, bloody battle, with the participants hoisting up their togas, grabbing anything they could get their hands on and smashing their opponents. about 300 people died, and their bodies were thrown into the river Tiber. Tiberius, the hero, was murdered. By his own fellow Tribunes.

We, however, found light in this situation and were in fits of giggles. The leader hoisted up his toga, threw it over his head and charged down the hill saying "TO THE CAPITOL!" - we all seemed to muster the same mental image and it sucked out all due seriousness in the situation.

*sigh* I love Ancient history =)

I don't know.

well, i haven't blogged in oodles and oodles. I don't know. I guess i just feel pressure to write stuff, or i'm just a really boring person.

Both of those aren't entirely true. Alot of stuff has been going on in my life actually, incredible things i could write a book about. i do kinda feel pressure to write and make it interesting, i guess i just can't be bothered. I don't know.

Well, i will try to summarise my life since the start of school. Wish me luck.

STudent leader camp, Music and Art Camp, Beerburrah, Vetamorphus Retreat, Erin sleepover. those have been my weekends so far.

Student leader camp was an awesome, life changing experience. As was Vet camp. Met so many knew people, got to know people and got closer to God in both. God is truly amazing.

I've already had 3 assignments, currently doing 2 and awaiting 3 block exams. Not too bad i guess. Monday lunch i have maths tutoring, tuesday prayer buddy meeting, then basketball then SLM them mentor meeting.

Mentor meetings are AMAZING. I think we've got the BEST group. Me holly, sarah and Ms Moran

"I saw a dead mans head!"
"I saw a mans BARE BOTTOM!"
- our meetings consist of amusing things like this =)

wow. I've got to brush my teeth and go to bed. Tired.

oh well... thanks for reading my token-effort blog.