Things i have done on the weekend:

Friday Night went to Youth group and swam in the ocean and run amuck on the beach and swam in the lagoon.

Friday Night for some reason couldn't get to sleep all night. Thinking about Little kids in prostitution :(

Saturday went to the movies with Kahla, Brooke, Emily and Nick and saw "Life as we know it"

And then after that i went to see Holly at work :D

When i got home I sat on my bedroom floor and started organising all my Cert 3 stuff. All three booklets, all three journals, all 3 seminars and lose sheets i had to organise and add up all my hours and fill in all my reviews and fill in all of the excercises. ANd now....Cert 3 is basically complete. Except for the Live in Mission section. But i'll have to do that next year.
I was panicking about catching up on my readings for Cert 3. We had to do 84 over the year, it turns out i did 140. It turns i did way more hours than expected in bascially everything. HUGE BURDEN LIFTED.

Yesterday I went to the shops with Erin and we got some white shirts and black pants and ate Maccas and icecream. Then i watched Prince of Persia with my mum, and then i went to work for 7 hours. Yuckkkeeeee. But naah, it wasn't too bad. Friendly customers, friendly boss, easy work.

Maths assignment is complete and handed in.

Ancient Essay Test is done.

Drama script is loosely learnt... gunna panick more tonight and tomorrow night when it is actually on.

I got the part i wanted for Fiddler.

SO! that leaves these things to stress over:

ART ASSIGNMENTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
Maths test
Ancient test
English test
Drama performance.

Not too shabby, and all of them (besides Art) i am capable of doing.

YAY!!

Flop.

Do you ever all of the sudden get that overwhelming feeling of guilt and realisation that millions of people are in extreme suffering, fighting for life and simply living day by day?
Do you ever get that anger and restlessness because there are children who are suffering in the world. I mean children! there has to be something so messed up in the world that people are beginning to turn on it's own children. Isn't it our job to protect them and nurture them? I mean, i can't really talk because i guess i am still a child. But i'm not really.

I was thinking the other day about how every one always says how kids are so young and impressionable. I always cast the comment aside and thought of myself as strong and capable of making my own decisions, but the more i think of it, the more i realise how heavily influenced I am by my surroundings. My opinion can be changed so quickly and i am constantly learning, constantly growing and constantly yet subconsiously watching. Watching the way friends behave, teachers behave, my parents behave, my family behaves and copying it. I'm constantly listening to peoples opinions and opening my mind to them. Youth really is a dangerous time, and then i think about the children who just grow up living in poverty. Grow up not knowing when they are going to live next. Grow up in absolute filth, with sickness all around. Constantly fighting as hard as then can to survive. I think of little kids whose main source of influence, love and affection sells them for as little as $50 to be prostituted.

I can't even imagine! I can't imagine the desperation that would drive that kind of decision. I can't even bring myself to think about the little girls when they are taken away from their families and forced into such a life. It makes me feel physically ill.

I clearly remember the worst night of my life.
I was on a camp, and my only friend was my bestfriend from school. I wasn't very confident so i kinda clung to this friend. And then i ended up doing something wrong without realising it, she ignored me for the whole night, i found out that this random girl hated me because i "replaced" her or something, and i was all alone. I had no friends, and i was at this talent night and i had to sit by myself and laugh and pretend that nothing was wrong. But oh my gosh, it was truly the worst night of my life. As soon as i was alone i just bawled my eyes out. For ages. One of those snotty, hiccup-y cries. Yessssshh.
But then again, I still knew that after the camp i would be able to come home to my Mummy and tell her everything. i would be able to come back to friends, come back to comfort. But even then, me and my friend talked about it that night and sorted things out. And we were best friends again. Oh my goodness, Thats so flippin unfair. The worst night of my life would definitely be the best night of some other kids life.

Thinking of that experience that i had, i can't stop thinking about how those little girls would feel, cause i know that i when i was a little girl, thats when i was the most insecure. Thats when i missed my mummy the most, thats when i cried the most and thats when i had the potential to feel the most alone. How would those little girls feel being chucked into the most brutal environment imaginable, with cold-hearted men and women who exploit them. Seriously, something must be dead inside of them to be able to do that, to little boys and girls.

Every 26 seconds. Every 26 seconds a new child is either sold or forced into prostitution. I dont know which would be worse. Being sold by your own family, and working there believing that you are saving them? or simply being tricked or forced.
Every 26 seconds little kids have to endure the most horrible stuff.
And i remember feeling violated when a random man smacked me on the bum with a newspaper. Like seriously... I cried.

Flop. Theres so much evil in the world, and it’s so easy to just forget about it, because its so distant, its so unrelatable, we can just forget about it and go on with our pretty, shiny, comfortable lives.

Complacent, Lazy, Selfish lives.

And I don’t think about those little kids as much as I should. I forget about them when I eat, I forget about them when I go to sleep in my warm comfy bed, I forget about them when I’m busy being stupid with friends. I always think that they are the minority, but they are the majority. We are the minority. And why, oh why was I so lucky to be apart of this minority?

I really hope I can make the most of it.

Photo Bombs

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must i wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when i fall.

But i trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13

LOL

sooo... I didn't get into leadership this year.
Which is fine, I'm sure there were valid reasons, but it's still a bit sad for me :P

6 years I've been a leader. Ever since grade 6. And ive been coming to Mueller since i was 4 years old. So yer, i was a little bit sad.
Sad enough to cry :P
but that was mainly because some people were yelling in my ear "I GOT IIINN!!!!" and i had to sit all through morning tea waiting to scan through a whole copied and pasted, impersonal letter just to find the words "unfortunately Mariah"
I was absolutely fine and put on a brave face until people started showing sympathy, people hugged me, people forced me to talk, people started abusing the system, people started threatening to riot. Thats when i started crying :P

But it's not like i really have a reason to be sad. I shouldn't be sad at all, i'm not actually that sad really. I mean, being a leader isn't the best thing in the world!!

But yer, I think it mainly hurt that i wasn't good enough.
I didn't make it.
The year 12's didn't think i was good enough, my teachers didn't think i was good enough, some peers at the beginning of this year didn't think i was good enough, so i missed out.

I can just imagine the comments teachers made
"Mariah is an annoying, over-the-top, innapropriate and loud student who doesn't know when to shut up"

But i hate peoples sympathy. I just hate it. Let me be, sure, i didn't get to see the end of somthing i've basically dedicated 6 years of my life too, sure i made a promise to God that i would be 100% genuine this year so then if i got in, it would be me for me and obviously me wasn't good enough. Sure, I'm a bit sad but anything, anything but your sympathy and hugs. Anything but concern and seriousness, cause that just tips me over the end.

What i'm most scared of, is seeming weak. like a sore loser. i really am not, i am genuinely happy for every one who got in, and i wouldn't have it any other way...
I am just disappointed in myself. Obviously I've done something wrong, Obviously i myself am a disappointment if, after 6 years, i finally get rejected.

Emily didn't get in either :(
That makes me really sad. I can't help but feel that she was a bit of a scape goat, after all, she was honest, genuine and the better friend.

SIgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

But next year is going to be a good year.
I know it, and i will make the best of it :)

By the way, don't take this post seriously, i am just offloading my emotions :)
sometimes, you just need to get it down, publish it on the internet for at least 2 people to read to make it more real :P

Hahah thanks Holly and Erin, you guys are my rocks :P (besides God)

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that tehre's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon


Oh Katy, i wish shining were as simple as spurting fireworks out of your chest.