A New Year.

SO! Exactly a year ago i wrote my first blog post. Quite early in the morning if i recall cause i woke up vomitting.

My mum is in her bedroom talking on the phone, Amity and Daddy are reading a book and watching some Bollywood cartoon about an Indian girl.

I have only made a few New Years Resolutions, but i think they are important ones.

Yesterday was a really lazy day. I didn't really do much at all. I just lazed around the house, playing with Amity, i think i might have gone to the shops... but i can't be too sure. Yesterday was kind of a fuzz.

Yesterday afternoon my fam was invited to a not-really-party at my aunties house. And we spent about 15-minutes deciding whether or not to go. I think my motivation was what finally tipped us over the edge, so we decided to go after all. i said "Amity will be my primary responsibilty" then my mum said "obviously Mariah wants to go" then Ad said "well she didn't go out last night" and i said "Why does that make a difference?" then Mummy said "because we've been out last night, so we're kinda over it." then i said... nothing.

WOw, it amazes me how i've remembered that conversation word for word... but i think you get the picture. we were all really lazy and tired. Oh wait... but thats actually NOT the point... the point was my motivation.

In order for you to see my motivation, i must take you back to Christmas day, 2010. I went over to my aunties house after we had hosted a christmas at our house with the other side of the family. My aunty's fam was feeling left out, so we made the effort. It was quite fun, me and my little cousins and Amity rode around on scooters while the Daddys shot us with the Nerf Gun, i dressed up as an ugly witch with a mullet and at the end of it i showed up the adults in a game of trivia. Which was brilliant since My Uncle and Aunty are full on academics. ANY WAY! We got my little cousins a bible each for Christmas. Not just ordinary bibles, but really special bibles. Fun bibles. I rememeber the bible i had when i was their age and i absolutely LOVED IT. Even when i couldn't exactly understand all the words, i knew that it was special and i absolutely adored it. Anyway, i got a bible too for one of my presents for Christmas. A cute pocket bible, one that i can take with me every where. I used to have one, one that i took with me absolutely EVERY where, it was my Grandads bible, so it was really special to me. One day, i was on the train and i was reading it. And i never saw it again. *sigh*

ANY WAY! My mum decided to rewrap my bible and pretend to give it to me when my cousins opened their presents, so that they would see how much i love mine, and know how special theirs is too. It worked, anyway my Uncle saw my bible and he started asking me about it, but i kinda got dragged away by my little cousins and i couldn't finish answering him... which i really wanted to, cause i felt like it was a question that would lead somewhere.

Later on, when we were on our way home my mum was like "So, [your uncle] said he watched a documentary about Jesus being married and he asked me what i thought about it."
I nearly jump out of my skin. "WHAT?! WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?!"

Then my mum said "Well, i told him that i don't really know the facts, but i told him that it doesn't really matter. Cause marriage isn't a sin. WHat does it matter Mariah, would it really change anything?"

"Nahh! I'm not saying it would, it just makes me mad cause the main source of evidence is from some Gnostic gospel made like, 200 years after!!"

As soon as i got home i researched it. And i must admit i was pretty excited when i found out that the gnostic gospel of phillip was actually written 200 years after the life of Jesus, since what i told my mum in the car was just a random guess.

So, yesterday afternoon, when i found out that there was an opportunity that i could see my uncle for New Years, i knew i had one hour to write an essay about why Jesus was NOT married. Complete with disgusting references, photographic evidence and very telling quotes.
I breifly considered just talking to him, but i know him... that type of stuff doesn't work. It has to be facts, with evidence, presented with good grammar.
So i gave him the essay, he read it and i convinced him that Jesus was unmarried. YAY.

It was a really fun night, me and the girls were just playing all night. We played games and pretended to be characters from the Avatar, i was an earth bender, Lucy was an airbender, Ella was a water bender and Amity was a fire bender. AT first Lucy didn't want to play, but i finally convinced her by holding her horizontally and running around the yard saying shes an airbender that can fly. It was heaps of fun. and amity really got into it to, she was running around punching the air saying "me a fire bendaaaaaaaaah!" And later on in the night, we all got glow sticks, and amity got orange ones around her wrists so she could fire bend, and then we all got sparklers... so we all could firebend. And then we had a cartwheel contest, a hopping contest, a jumping contest, a running contest and a rolly polly contest. Not to brag or anything... but i basically won everything. (and so what if they are 2, 5 and 7 years old).
My aunty actually came out to join us at one stage, and she randomly started attacking me with tickles. And i was fully screaming, cuz i'm exteremyl ticklish. Then Little Lucy pushes her off and says "no." I was so stoked. She protected me! :D

And then we ate Pizza on a rug and gave the stars names. We had a bit of a DnM sesh. We talked about mean people, and what to do when people are nasty, we talked about our friends and we talked about God and stuff. It was fun. I am very lucky to have such wonderful little people in my life. Very blessed indeed.

So yer, that was basically my New Years Eve.

Today, i've just been watching Season 4 of 30 Rock with the fam and not much else.

Out.

Post Christmas Hardy Household.

(I bought Adam a Nerf Gun)

Adam: C'mon, just let me shoot you in the face...

Mummy: NO!

Adam: Awww... But Mariah let me!

Mummy: Yer, well i'm not a fool like Mariah.

Adam: It won't hurt!

Mariah: yer, it really doesn't hurt. It's just the shock when the suction plummets into your tender face. Really, It's alright!!!
*big smile and thumbs up*

______________


*sigh*

My mother didn't end up getting shot in the face. Whatta party pooper.

The Only One

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqRK1BfDMlw

So I'm at the Sunny coast. I'm currentlysitting at an internet booth looking over the river at the SunshinePlaza, cause i can'tget to blogger on my phone. And the keyboard isseriously laaaame.

Do you ever get those nightswhen you seriously can't get to sleep?
Well, I've had ita few times in my life. I got it thefirst night i came to the sunnycoast actually. It was horrible. I'd just watched "the lovely bones" which was cool, sme things freaked me out a tad bit, but it was fine. Until i went to my room. The dark room, and randomlyall of these thoughts completely clouded my mind, all of these scenarios that madenosense, but they made sense at the time, and i was shaking, and i was cold, andmy mind was going a mile a minute and it was like i was dreaming, but i was awake at the same time.

and i kept on getting upandtrying tomake myself vomit because i feltso sick in mystomach. and i was praying the whole timein my head, really really hard... but nothing changed. Thisrandom, half-dreamed thought kept on coming into my head that this is what a world without God is like.

and then, i actually called out, with my voice "Jesus help me" ... and then i got to sleep. Peacefully. and i didn't wake up till morning.

Random ey?

So, i spent the day reading "Wuthering Heights" while Amity slept, pretending to be pregnant, stopping amity from getting into Mummys make-up, dancing with amity to "Fader" by the Temper Trap, and making a gigantic Cubby House. It was amazing. 2 doonas lining the tiles, and most of the dining room covered in sheets. In there, Amity and I had heaps of pillows and biscuits, and even some lollies, and we read some of Brer Rabbits adventures and even some Molly Moon. And when we stopped reading we just listened to "Grenade" by Bruno Mars, "Fader" by Temper Trap, "Airplanes" by BoB, and "Eet" by Regina Spektor over and over again. It was great.

By the way, that photo up the top was an accidental picture i took. I was trying to get a photo of me smiling, but the camera zoomed in cause it was on a weird setting, so i looked away cause i thought it'd already taken it. i soft focused it though, or else it'd look gross :P But yer, i thought it was pretty cool!

Grenade.

Unrequited love...

isn't it painfully beautiful?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SR6iYWJxHqs

Getting caught in the rain sounds so romantic and spontaneous. But what if you plan for it? Why must it be getting “caught”? To get “caught” makes rain sound like a villain, but we all know that is far from the truth. Rain is a beautiful thing. But not too many people plan for it.

Today i sat on my bedroom floor and listened to the first few drops of water hit the roof from the sky. I can't pin point the reason, but i can pinpoint the feeling that drove me to walk outside. It was this overwhelming sense of joy, and God was on my mind. And some how, for some reason at the exact time that the first few drops of rain fell from the sky i felt like i was inhaling God.

I just walked outside, into the heat of the day and felt a couple spontaneous and heavy droplets of rain land on me, and each time i flinched. Finally i lay down on my back and felt the occasional drop hit my face, and the hot cement warmed my back.

after a while, i heard the rain peltering down on distant roofs, and the sound grew louder, and louder and louder.... i remember when i was a child, my mum and i would sit outside and wait for the storm to approach, and watch as a wall of rain came towards us. My mum said it was the rain "walking".

I rolled over onto my stomach and listened to the rain walking towards me, and soon, the rain was showering down on me, and soaking my clothes. I looked down at the dry patch of cement under my tummy shrink as puddles of rain invaded, and very soon my clothes were completely drenched. And to think, the water that soaked my clothes fell directly from the sky.

“If God’s love was water, you’d be standing in the rain.”
a boy once said to me.

Well, Tom, today i wasn't just standing in it, but I was lying in it, drenched in it, i wore the rain and i was completely absorbed in it.

and today, i lay in the rain until the last drop fell from the sky.

One day, I want to fly up into the sky.

But that is a misconception, cause the sky is everywhere.
and it starts at your feet.

For days and days, the rain beat its fists
on the roof of our house -
evidence of the terrible mistake
God had made.

Each morning, when i woke
i listened for the tireless pounding,
looked at the drear through the window
and was relieved
that at least the sun had the decency
to stay the hell away from us.

I'm Pretty sure Amity just said her first prayer :)

I found her looking over at Adams diary for work (a think, black leather book with gold writing on the front) And she seems to think that is a bible. She just looooves bibles. She always comes into my room and we look at my different bibles together, or we go into mummys room and we all read our bibles together (hers is a picture bible) and yer, she just loves them. And then at dinner after i say grace she says "and thank you that we love eachother" and then we say amen.

oh yer, back to the story... she was looking over Adams work diarty and pointing to the words and saying "precious names" "Cheesis lavs mee" "I lav Cheesis" "precious names"

SO then i decided to start praying saying something like

"Dear Jesus, Thank you that you love me, and thank you that you love Amity, and thank you that Amity's so beautiful. In your precious name, Amen."

and then i asked her if she would like to pray and she prayed to Cheesis, said "i lav you" a few times and ended in "precious names"

I can't wait until she gets to meet Jesus for herself :) And i pray that she will every day

NO MORE YEAR 11 EVERRR!!!!!!

Next year we are going to be seniors... the big kids.

I'm EXCITED!!! :D

And you know what else I'm excited for??

... MELBOURNE!!! :D :D :D

Tomorrow at 4:00 I will be waking up and frantically running aorund the house trying to get ready and get last minute things organised.

and you know what else i'm excited about??

... FREE TIME!!!

I'll get to read all the books i want and paint all the pictures i want without the label of procrastination.

and you know what else I'm excited about??

... SUNNY COAST!!!

I'll be going with my family around christimas time :D and i LOVE IT THERE. Last year was sooo fun and peaceful and relaxing and FUN!!! :D

and you know what else I'm excited about??

Actually trying hard in school next year.

Yesterday my day consisted of sleeping in till 9:00 (:O !!)
going on facebook, cleaning my room a bit, tidying the house, doing dishes, taking bin out etc and then organising some clothes to take to melbourne all in time for my Mum to return from the shops.

Then i watched some day time television, City Homicide and Hollyoaks... yuck.

Then I watched a movie "The Rebound"..... stupidest movie EVER. I am usually a sucker for Rom-coms, but seriously... i am growing tired of them. It was just a seedy, sexual movie that had absolutely NOTHING to do with love. And i only laughed when she went on a date with some random dude and he went into a port-a-loo and tried to make conversation while clearly doing a poo. a cheesey, unsatisfying movie.

And then i went of facebook some more, ate some more oranges (my mum is forcing me to eat at least 2 a day to stay healthy in time for Melbourne) typed up some stuff for Art, photoshopped some pictures and then read "The diary of a Young Girl"

Man, that book just makes me bawl my eyes out. Anne really has a way with words. Such a beautiful, beautiful girl. Sometimes its just in the little descriptions that move me, and other times it's like she's decribing me. I can draw so many parallels between her and me and my friends, she's just a normal teenage girl... even through out her hardships.

One thing that made me cry in the book was when she was describing (in mockery) Mr Dussel as he gets up every morning and prays for 15 minutes, on his knees, rocking back and forth. Can you imagine the desperation that would drive those prayers? He was praying to my God, and it seemed like He wasn't even listening. For later on, Alfred Dussel was to carted off - like the rest of them - to a concentration camp to die. And Peter! Beautiful, sweet, quiet Peter was forced into a death march from Auschwitz to Austria! Only to die days before the camp at Austria was liberated! It just doesn't seem fair.

Anne get's the disease like Holly and I do, she feels insecure and lonely like other girls, she just randomly cries sometimes, like other people i know :P She experiences random "rages". She adores writing and making up stories and history and art and obsesses over boys... or just one boy (Peter).

One thing that really got to me was when she was talking about having two sides to her. The loud, happy, cheerful, in your face, occasionally seedy Anne, and then the quiet, deep, thoughtful and sweet Anna that bever gets a chance to come out. I'm pretty sure thats how most girls feel.

With me, it's more a Loud, annoying, over-the-top awkwardness that covers up the quiet, thoughtful, awkward girl who's unsure of what her place is in the world.
---when i was younger i was extremly shy. CRIPPLINGLY SHY! and then i came out more in Mr Gynthers class in grade 7... in grade 8 i hid some more, then in grade 9 in the B-Mores drama class i came completely out to the point of no return :S

I think teen years are just awkward. it's hard to determine where your place is.

But that girl, so much like every other girl..... (except for some EXTREMELY awkward bits in the book... Anne was just weird) Had to go through so much pain. That girl, who has become so significant in so many peoples lives, that girls whose most private thoughts have been made known was killed and tossed into a mass grave like an irrelevant piece of garbage. I wonder if her killers knew that she was special? No, they wouldn't have. How ould they have known that any of them were special.

Flop, i guess what makes me so sad when i read that book, is thinking about something like that happening to my friends :(

To Peter,
We've been missing out on so much here, so very much, and for such a long time. I miss it just as much as you do. I'm not talking about external things, since we're well provided for in that sence; i mean the internal things. Lke you, i long for freedom and fresh air, but i think we've been amply compensated for their loss. On the inside, i mean.

This morning, when i was sitting in front of the window and taking a long, deep look outside at God and nature, i was happy, just plain happy. Peter, as long as people feel that kind of happiness within themselves, the joy of nature, health and much more besides, they'll always be able to recapture that happiness.

Riches, prestige, everything can be lost. But the happiness in your own heart can only be dimmed; it will always be there, as long as you live, to make you happy again.

Whenever you're feeling lonely or sad, try going to the loft on a beautiful day and looking outside. Not at the houses and the rooftops, but at the sky. As long as you can look fearlessly at the sky, you'll know that you're pure within and will find happiness once more.

god of many forms

What do you live for?

what is the most important thing in your life
what drives you
what excites you
what is your reward
what motivates you
what do you enjoy the most
what would cause you great pain if taken away
what is your god

I see so many people obsessed with things that in the end, are absolutely meaningless. These things become their life. For me for a while it was people, people who probably didn't care that much for me. And then it became facebook. Believe it or not, i basically lived for facebook. I enjoyed it the most, i spent the most time with it, facebook would be my reward. Basically at those times, Those people and facbook became my gods. For my Dad, his god is drugs. He lives for drugs, he spends time with drugs, enjoys drugs. Flop, he can't survive with out drugs. And even when given the opportunity to survive without drugs, he CHOOSES drugs. Nothing comes before drugs. nothing. But he is a christian, just as i am. A struggling christian, just as i am and many others are trying desperately to put god first, but more often than not... failing.

Maybe our gods aren't as full on as drugs, but more of a choice. a subtle choice, a subtle ssin that grows into an obsession.

Romans 14:23 "everything that does not come from faith is sin."

so does that mean that every time we log onto facebook we are sinning? every time we choose to sit with our friends for another lazy lunchtime sinful? Every time we open our big gobs and talk about useless junk sinning?

and slowly, slowly, those sins take hold of us and they become our gods.

the door opens just a tiny crack......

so what if we lived for God?

what if God was the most important thing in our lives
what if God drove our life
what if God excited us
what if God was our reward
what if God motivated us
what if we actually enjoyed God
what if we couldn't bear to lose God
what if we actually treated God like a god

hmph. I've been thinking about this stuff a lot lately. what would it take to actually put God first?? I've ried, many many many many times, and failed failed failed failed failed.

failed failed failed.

but wouldn't it be awesome to see what it would look like if people genuinely acted out on this principle? WOuldn't it be amazing to see the faith that comes from treating God like a god and untimately the almost perfect behaviour!
I know right, sounds crazy... but it hink it is possible to be sinless, with pure faith. It talks about it in the bible all the time, but like so many other things, we disregard it and label it as irrelevant and not in conext. Pfft. Take the bible seriously for a change.

eg. If Jesus says he can do anything through prayer... why don't we believe that?
If the bible says we can do all sorts of awesome stuff through the Holy Spirit, why don't we use that?

and whatever happened to miracles?!?!
It's entirely possible, but people have just diluted their faith. Watered down the bible.

If we actually 100% trusted the bible with our lives, if we read it like we have never gone to sunday school or heard about God in our lives... how much would our prayers change??

Nowadays Christians are so wimpy (with some exceptions). Christians are accepted, and given so many opportunitys but absolutely nothing is done about it. For a while i thought that i needed to fit in in order to be a good christian and not judge people. Oh my goodness. I just hate the complacent, lazy culture. I hate all the undercover Christians. (well, i don't hate the actual people)

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Something is missing in Christians, and i think that it is God.

This is my last ever day as a 15 year old.

I rather like being 15.

and for some reason, i feel like crying about it.
16 seems like such a big age. More responsibility, more pressure, getting closer and closer to independance, closer and closer to breaking away... and it frightens me.

I like being 15.
Fifteen is happy.
I don't want to be 16. It just makes me want to cry. I don't want to move forward and grow up. I don't want to lose friends, i don't want to move away from my family. I don't want to give up anything. Okay great, and there are tears in my eyes. Pfft. Pathetic.

I was just reading my very first blog post and this was a fragment of what i said :

I remember as a small child me, Emily, Holly and Cat would pretend to be in a band, or be secret spies, or be ordinary girls with boyfriends. Or i remember times when Cat and I would ride wild stallions, Mine was black and hers was white (although, i think we swapped them around regularly, we both got jealous of eachothers horses)Or Emily and I would pretend to be Egyptians, I was the Queen, she was the slave (don't worry, she always WANTED to be the slave) or when Holly and I pretended to be stranded and we had to build our shelters... i forget what that game was called... but the point is that in all of these games, we were almost 90% of the time pretending we were 16. Now just dwell on this for a moment:

This year is our 16th year.

I find that a little scary. I mean, Block exams, year 11 camp, STudent leadership, some of us will be getting their learners and..and... we will be 16. Sixteen. zestien. ستة عشر. onaltı. seize. SIXTEEN!!!!

Oh well. I guess i don't have much to worry about, i mean... i only just turned 15. So "16. Sixteen. zestien. ستة عشر. onaltı. seize. SIXTEEN!!!!" is actually quite a long way off for me.

Well, now its not.

And i've been through most of the stuff up on that list, but still "16. Sixteen. zestien. ستة عشر. onaltı. seize. SIXTEEN!!!!" still faces me. In about 12 hours.
And even greater difficulties and scarier stuff faces me with next year.


Oh gosh i'm depressing.

I just feel sad and.... i dunno.

Although, good news! I didn't get smash pashed by a random drunk....yet.
So hopefully it will be my sweet 16th :D


goodbye.

Things i have done on the weekend:

Friday Night went to Youth group and swam in the ocean and run amuck on the beach and swam in the lagoon.

Friday Night for some reason couldn't get to sleep all night. Thinking about Little kids in prostitution :(

Saturday went to the movies with Kahla, Brooke, Emily and Nick and saw "Life as we know it"

And then after that i went to see Holly at work :D

When i got home I sat on my bedroom floor and started organising all my Cert 3 stuff. All three booklets, all three journals, all 3 seminars and lose sheets i had to organise and add up all my hours and fill in all my reviews and fill in all of the excercises. ANd now....Cert 3 is basically complete. Except for the Live in Mission section. But i'll have to do that next year.
I was panicking about catching up on my readings for Cert 3. We had to do 84 over the year, it turns out i did 140. It turns i did way more hours than expected in bascially everything. HUGE BURDEN LIFTED.

Yesterday I went to the shops with Erin and we got some white shirts and black pants and ate Maccas and icecream. Then i watched Prince of Persia with my mum, and then i went to work for 7 hours. Yuckkkeeeee. But naah, it wasn't too bad. Friendly customers, friendly boss, easy work.

Maths assignment is complete and handed in.

Ancient Essay Test is done.

Drama script is loosely learnt... gunna panick more tonight and tomorrow night when it is actually on.

I got the part i wanted for Fiddler.

SO! that leaves these things to stress over:

ART ASSIGNMENTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
Maths test
Ancient test
English test
Drama performance.

Not too shabby, and all of them (besides Art) i am capable of doing.

YAY!!

Flop.

Do you ever all of the sudden get that overwhelming feeling of guilt and realisation that millions of people are in extreme suffering, fighting for life and simply living day by day?
Do you ever get that anger and restlessness because there are children who are suffering in the world. I mean children! there has to be something so messed up in the world that people are beginning to turn on it's own children. Isn't it our job to protect them and nurture them? I mean, i can't really talk because i guess i am still a child. But i'm not really.

I was thinking the other day about how every one always says how kids are so young and impressionable. I always cast the comment aside and thought of myself as strong and capable of making my own decisions, but the more i think of it, the more i realise how heavily influenced I am by my surroundings. My opinion can be changed so quickly and i am constantly learning, constantly growing and constantly yet subconsiously watching. Watching the way friends behave, teachers behave, my parents behave, my family behaves and copying it. I'm constantly listening to peoples opinions and opening my mind to them. Youth really is a dangerous time, and then i think about the children who just grow up living in poverty. Grow up not knowing when they are going to live next. Grow up in absolute filth, with sickness all around. Constantly fighting as hard as then can to survive. I think of little kids whose main source of influence, love and affection sells them for as little as $50 to be prostituted.

I can't even imagine! I can't imagine the desperation that would drive that kind of decision. I can't even bring myself to think about the little girls when they are taken away from their families and forced into such a life. It makes me feel physically ill.

I clearly remember the worst night of my life.
I was on a camp, and my only friend was my bestfriend from school. I wasn't very confident so i kinda clung to this friend. And then i ended up doing something wrong without realising it, she ignored me for the whole night, i found out that this random girl hated me because i "replaced" her or something, and i was all alone. I had no friends, and i was at this talent night and i had to sit by myself and laugh and pretend that nothing was wrong. But oh my gosh, it was truly the worst night of my life. As soon as i was alone i just bawled my eyes out. For ages. One of those snotty, hiccup-y cries. Yessssshh.
But then again, I still knew that after the camp i would be able to come home to my Mummy and tell her everything. i would be able to come back to friends, come back to comfort. But even then, me and my friend talked about it that night and sorted things out. And we were best friends again. Oh my goodness, Thats so flippin unfair. The worst night of my life would definitely be the best night of some other kids life.

Thinking of that experience that i had, i can't stop thinking about how those little girls would feel, cause i know that i when i was a little girl, thats when i was the most insecure. Thats when i missed my mummy the most, thats when i cried the most and thats when i had the potential to feel the most alone. How would those little girls feel being chucked into the most brutal environment imaginable, with cold-hearted men and women who exploit them. Seriously, something must be dead inside of them to be able to do that, to little boys and girls.

Every 26 seconds. Every 26 seconds a new child is either sold or forced into prostitution. I dont know which would be worse. Being sold by your own family, and working there believing that you are saving them? or simply being tricked or forced.
Every 26 seconds little kids have to endure the most horrible stuff.
And i remember feeling violated when a random man smacked me on the bum with a newspaper. Like seriously... I cried.

Flop. Theres so much evil in the world, and it’s so easy to just forget about it, because its so distant, its so unrelatable, we can just forget about it and go on with our pretty, shiny, comfortable lives.

Complacent, Lazy, Selfish lives.

And I don’t think about those little kids as much as I should. I forget about them when I eat, I forget about them when I go to sleep in my warm comfy bed, I forget about them when I’m busy being stupid with friends. I always think that they are the minority, but they are the majority. We are the minority. And why, oh why was I so lucky to be apart of this minority?

I really hope I can make the most of it.

Photo Bombs

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must i wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when i fall.

But i trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13

LOL

sooo... I didn't get into leadership this year.
Which is fine, I'm sure there were valid reasons, but it's still a bit sad for me :P

6 years I've been a leader. Ever since grade 6. And ive been coming to Mueller since i was 4 years old. So yer, i was a little bit sad.
Sad enough to cry :P
but that was mainly because some people were yelling in my ear "I GOT IIINN!!!!" and i had to sit all through morning tea waiting to scan through a whole copied and pasted, impersonal letter just to find the words "unfortunately Mariah"
I was absolutely fine and put on a brave face until people started showing sympathy, people hugged me, people forced me to talk, people started abusing the system, people started threatening to riot. Thats when i started crying :P

But it's not like i really have a reason to be sad. I shouldn't be sad at all, i'm not actually that sad really. I mean, being a leader isn't the best thing in the world!!

But yer, I think it mainly hurt that i wasn't good enough.
I didn't make it.
The year 12's didn't think i was good enough, my teachers didn't think i was good enough, some peers at the beginning of this year didn't think i was good enough, so i missed out.

I can just imagine the comments teachers made
"Mariah is an annoying, over-the-top, innapropriate and loud student who doesn't know when to shut up"

But i hate peoples sympathy. I just hate it. Let me be, sure, i didn't get to see the end of somthing i've basically dedicated 6 years of my life too, sure i made a promise to God that i would be 100% genuine this year so then if i got in, it would be me for me and obviously me wasn't good enough. Sure, I'm a bit sad but anything, anything but your sympathy and hugs. Anything but concern and seriousness, cause that just tips me over the end.

What i'm most scared of, is seeming weak. like a sore loser. i really am not, i am genuinely happy for every one who got in, and i wouldn't have it any other way...
I am just disappointed in myself. Obviously I've done something wrong, Obviously i myself am a disappointment if, after 6 years, i finally get rejected.

Emily didn't get in either :(
That makes me really sad. I can't help but feel that she was a bit of a scape goat, after all, she was honest, genuine and the better friend.

SIgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

But next year is going to be a good year.
I know it, and i will make the best of it :)

By the way, don't take this post seriously, i am just offloading my emotions :)
sometimes, you just need to get it down, publish it on the internet for at least 2 people to read to make it more real :P

Hahah thanks Holly and Erin, you guys are my rocks :P (besides God)

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that tehre's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon


Oh Katy, i wish shining were as simple as spurting fireworks out of your chest.

For my own benefit.

Lists are a beautiful thing. once you write them, you can keep on track and know exactly what your obstacles are. Like assessing your enemy.
I have a few things that i feel i need to get down onto a list. School stuff, and then i need to just get down stuff thats stressing me out.

So! these are the things that are coming up at school:

- Maths assignment.
- English Essay test.
- Ancient Test.
- Art Prac Assignment.
- Vet readings and booklets.
- Vet Sacred meal.
- Drama performance.
- design thingy for Ancient page :)

things that are stressing me out:

- my lost journal
- my lost school book, along with critical sheets and notes.
- Work
- Musical
- Nominations for leadership
- Spending too much money
- My birthday

*sigh*
i really need to get started on my maths assignment, at least get it out of the way.
I also need to get cracking on Art, seriously... Miss Ham is expecting a lot and so far... I've got stick figures on card board. No joke.

The English essay i can study for closer to the date, and i listen well in class and take notes. I also read the book the first day we got it and rented out the movie and watched it over the holidays, so i think i understand it pretty well.

The Ancient test i need to study for closre to the date. And i'm stressing because i lost all my sheets and notes in that school book of mine. *sigh*
That book had lots of things in it, drawings, notes, ideas, important sheets from every subject and it just vanished last week.

As for my Vet readings and booklets, i am so behind. It'll take so much work and effort to get teachers to sign stuff, try to remember things to log, work up hours and just sit and fill out the excercises.

The sacred meal for Vet tomorrow is taken care of. Mummys cooking up some fried rice right now :D and decorating the room should be fuuuun :D

The Drama performance scares me. Scripts down tomorrow and i haven't learnt one line. i am pretty much gunna drown. i need to learn them, and fast.

And the ancient page, don't know why i put it on there. it should be fun to do, but yer. it's on the list coz it's something i have to do :)

Oh boy.

Like a fish.

SO!
musical auditions were today.
i was compleeeetely calm about it all day. i laughed at the people who stressed (in my head) and i mocked the people who stressed (in my head).

i came up to the audition, slightly unprepared. I had tried to memorise the lines for the Yente as much as i could, but either way, 2 afternoons notice was not enough to prepare and polish a piece worthy of auditioning.

I walked up and saw a bunch of anxious kids... waiting. But still i kept my cool. I went to the toilet, i pretened to flash people, i laughed i joked, and i was cool. But people started talking. I could see people getting called in, see people coming out. i felt their fear, and their nerves some how jumped onto me. And then, Kate and i were called in. And my heart started to beat faster, and faster, and faster....

When i started my scene, i got words wrong, i stuttered, i clutched onto my script and i rarely looked up. Just like i would do in an oral presentation. ANd then i was told to "Drop the random Irish accent".

=_=

Then came the singing time. I had practised so well! I had all my actions planned out! "just be confident" i told myself. But when i got up there, i froze, and my throat closed up. I was screaming at my legs to move, screaming at my arms to wave around, screaming at myself to be enthusiastic and confident, but my nerves crippled me.
The tension in the air was unbearable. it would've been painful to watch, especially painful for the teachers who knew me to watch :S
I was telling Erin that she would've hated to see it. You know when you watch someone who's SO bad that its seriously painful to watch??
well yer. That person was me this time :S

Ratcliffe asked me to sing again, and he got me to do my scene again. But still, i flopped.

Like a fish.
flop flop, flop flop.

The floppiest fish you could ever imagine.

Then scrambled out of the room, in a hurry, despite the fact that Mr Blackmore had told me to sing a bit of Frumah Sarah's song. I just ran away.

Like a fish.
run run, run run.

The runniest fish you could ever imagine.

And when i left the room i was abused severly for not auditioning as Frumah Sarah. They spat on me and kicked me and almost picked me up to throw me back into the audition room. But i kicked and screamed and protested!

Then the door screaked open, and Mr Blackmores glorious face appeared and he said something like "Mariah, come in here and do your Frumah Sarah"

and i went in there, and i screamed and shouted PEAAAAAARLLLSSSSSSSSS and pretened to bash a girls head around. And it was fun.

FUUUUN!!!!!!!!! :D

But still, it is slightly shameful that Mr Blackmore had to come and get me cause i was too scared to do it myself!!!

Just like a fish.

I am sitting outside on my little swinging swing, and the windy windy is wind-ing. It's chilly, and the windy wind doesn't seem to have any particular place it wants to be. It just whips around me, beating at the tress.

Sometimes, i close my eyes and imagine that it is God whispering to me

Mariah, i am with you.

Today i have to write my testimony for this leadership thing. I dont know where to begin. I don't know where to begin my testimony. to write my testimony would be to write my whole life story. To write my whole life story is putting pen to paper something words cannot contain.

How can i describe God and his love and mercy? because in the end, that is what my testimony is.
A story about someone so horrid and disgusting and wretched with sins that reach the heavens that can be loved by a lovely, gentle, powerful, awesome, just, caring, compassionate, graceful and infinitely merciful God.

It brings me to tears really.

small spaces

Dead, dead, dead, you seem dead, dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, you seem dead, dead.

i used to think i understood. What a stupid fool i am.

perhaps if the taunts continue they will awaken...

Dead, dead, dead, dead, you seem dead, dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, you seem dead, dead.

STILL DEAD. STILL DEAD.

A constant cry is how is there to be anything positively changed in an environment like this, routines....


But then again there has beat. This feeling, dim and soft but there that makes me speak.

Yes, i am jealous.
I am jealous of any closeness what-so-ever. Saul. Sympathy. I feel sorry for him, and it all seems so unfair.

i am jealous, and also selfish. I would spend eternity just sitting, listening, talking, building and constantly seeing more.
completely selfish.
i don't care about other people, that's not my aim. My aim is for me, me, me. and even if eternity was eliminated - i still want it for me.

My motivation is not for appearances, screw appearances. It's selfish, greedy, jealous desire.

This coldness, this restlessness, this nuetrality drives me crazy! itching, burning thirst for more that can't be quenched!

But i've gone so far, it seems impossible to turn back. I've failed with something so small, how will i ever be trusted again.
An untrustworthy, selfish, jealous, greedy person.
Dissatisfied, unfulfilled, unrested. Needing more.

Soooo,

we have access to blogger at school :D

yer.

I am currently doing ancient history work and it is haaaardd!!!!

i am gunna fail!!! BUT, good news, it turns out it is due a week later than i originally thought. THANK YOU FOR THAT INFORMATION ERIN!

I was so excited that i actually bit her. I BIT HER!!!!! :D

yer, imma go now. BYE.

TO THE CAPITOL!!

What do we do in Ancient history????
ummmm... the question should be what are we 'supposed' to be doing in Ancient history.

Ancient history is gold. possibly the funnest subject EVER. GO THE PLEB UNION!!!!!

Ancient Rome was a terrible, horrifing place to live. We are currently learning of the battle over the Lex Sempronia Agraria law.

'Oh look! Tiberius wants a crown!'

It was a horrible, bloody battle, with the participants hoisting up their togas, grabbing anything they could get their hands on and smashing their opponents. about 300 people died, and their bodies were thrown into the river Tiber. Tiberius, the hero, was murdered. By his own fellow Tribunes.

We, however, found light in this situation and were in fits of giggles. The leader hoisted up his toga, threw it over his head and charged down the hill saying "TO THE CAPITOL!" - we all seemed to muster the same mental image and it sucked out all due seriousness in the situation.

*sigh* I love Ancient history =)

I don't know.

well, i haven't blogged in oodles and oodles. I don't know. I guess i just feel pressure to write stuff, or i'm just a really boring person.

Both of those aren't entirely true. Alot of stuff has been going on in my life actually, incredible things i could write a book about. i do kinda feel pressure to write and make it interesting, i guess i just can't be bothered. I don't know.

Well, i will try to summarise my life since the start of school. Wish me luck.

STudent leader camp, Music and Art Camp, Beerburrah, Vetamorphus Retreat, Erin sleepover. those have been my weekends so far.

Student leader camp was an awesome, life changing experience. As was Vet camp. Met so many knew people, got to know people and got closer to God in both. God is truly amazing.

I've already had 3 assignments, currently doing 2 and awaiting 3 block exams. Not too bad i guess. Monday lunch i have maths tutoring, tuesday prayer buddy meeting, then basketball then SLM them mentor meeting.

Mentor meetings are AMAZING. I think we've got the BEST group. Me holly, sarah and Ms Moran

"I saw a dead mans head!"
"I saw a mans BARE BOTTOM!"
- our meetings consist of amusing things like this =)

wow. I've got to brush my teeth and go to bed. Tired.

oh well... thanks for reading my token-effort blog.

Monocramatic fun fingers

These are the things Xanthe and i have been getting up to. although, for most of that time i was on the phone to Erin.

Seeing Sherlock Holmes today. My new phone broke last night. Xanthe is still sleeping. Erin cannot come.

Lyrics

hey guys. I guess i feel slightly left out, because, well... every one is typing in song lyrics for their blogs. So i want to join the club.

Here are some song lyrics that really touch my soul:

Fruit Salad,Yummy Yummy
Fruit Salad,Yummy Yummy
Fruit Salad,Yummy Yummy
Yummy Yummy
Yummy Yummy
Fruit Salad!

Let's make some fruit salad today (Uh huh uh)
It's fun to do it the healthy way (Uh huh uh)
Take all the fruit that you want to eat
It's gonna be a fruit salad treat!

Peel your bananas
The second step
Toss in some some grapes
The third step
Chop up some apples
Chop up some melons
And put them on your plate

Now we've made it,It's time to eat it (Uh huh uh)
It tastes so good that you just can't beat it (Uh huh uh)
Give everyone a plate and a spoon
We'll all be ating it very soon!

The first step
Eat up the banana
The second step
Eat up some grapes
The third step
Eat up some apples
Eat the melons
Now there's nothing on your plate

Now we've had our fruit salad today (Uh huh uh)
It's time to put the scraps away (Uh huh uh)
Wash the bowls and wash the spoon
Let's do it all again real soon!

Fruit salad,Yummy yummy
Fruit salad,Yummy yummy
Fruit salad,Yummy yummy
Yummy yummy yummy yummy
Fruit salad!

[x8]
Fruit salad,Yummy yummy

Wow. that's deep.

rebellion.

The last couple of days when i have logged into Blogspot, my privacy settings have given me warnings to delete every trace of blogspot from my computer. I wonder why that is so...
Any ways, i am being a rebel and choosing NOT to listen to my computer. I think my privacy settings are just jealous that I am spending so much time with blogspot. But seriously. I think I am as private as blogspot can get! Number 18?? 5 followers?? I mean, its not like I'm saying all over my blogs "MY NAME IS MARIAH GIRTRED BOSINGSWORTH AND I LIVE ON 168 BELLTOWN STREET DUBBO" ahh, woops. Oh well. And i guess I do have a some pictures of myself. Me, standing there in the sunlight and one of just my face. Oh well.

Any way, yesterday I went to Bribie Island for breakfast with my Mummy and my little sister. We started the day off, wanting to go to a local little cafe with delicious pancakes. but it was closed. But we didn't let that little fact deter us. We wanted pancakes!!!!! So off we set on our journey to look for a yummy breakfast. We searched far and wide in Narangbar - looking for a decent breakfast. We saw one cafe... but it didn't serve any pancakes. THAT WOULD NOT DO!!!

We ended up travelling all the way to bribie Island for pancakes. Wat sat there for AGESSSS waiting for them and a small bowl of chips. Amity was getting restless and when our pancakes finally came out... they weren't that good. but we were STARVINNNNNGG so it didn't really matter. We only ate the top layer of the chips on the bowls cause the chips were yucky.

By this stage, i was very tired and aggitable and i wanted to go home. badly.

Another thing happened recently which was very exciting for me: I discovered my spiritual gift. YAYY!!! Its so very exciting!!

ANy ways, id best be going and cleaning my room and stuff. Xanthe is coming over today and sleeping over!! and Tammy might drop in also. We are going to see Sherlock Holmes tomorrow!!! YAY!!!

okay, I'm REALLY GOING NOW.

BYE!

Neapolitan Ice cream

mmm... yummmm... sitting at the computer eating neapolitan ice cream. how delicious. Possibly my favourite flavour of ice cream - but only if it is Mr Whippied. A close runner up would be Vanilla and Milo. Mr whippied, naturally. I also love Mango sorbet, honey comb in a waffle cone or cookies and cream with cookie dough and mars bar. hmmm. Maybe plain old neapolitan isn't my favourite after all.

Great. My icecream is finished now. ARgh, I can't stand looking at the empty bowl...it just reminds me how sad i feel now it is gone.

I have been dreadfully bored lately. I cleaned my room today. It was fun, I danced around listening to "Hey Ya!" by Out Cast while vacuuming, dusting, changing sheets, making bed, and folding clothes. It was very rewarding. I also watched Jeopardy with their annoying Scottish accents and went on facebook. I have realised that facebook is horribly boring. I just hope that something cool happens, or someone talks to me, or ...or... you get the picture. I may sound like a depressed child but i am not. i am just feeling exhausted and my eyes hurt from looking at the screen. I wish i had social interaction today. And i wish Adam would put the photos up from New years eve. See how pathetic I am?!?! =P

I am feeling very empty of creative juices right now, but when i realised how many blogs Olivia has done today...i felt bad.

Oh! Another semi exciting thing happened today. I learnt how to edit my blogs format and stuff! I changed my writing to green and my borders to pink and stuff. And i put a photo up on the thingo!! It was all very exciting. So... whats the verdict? Do you like??

Faith like a baby

This morning, Amity was climbing on the table... as usual, she was getting into mischeif. I casually hold out my hands and signal for her to get down. With out even looking; she steps off the table, completely certain that i will catch her. I love that little girl so much.

I love my little sister. YAY!!! I really do. She is the sweetest, cutest, most amazing, naughtiest, rudest and nastiest little girl in the world. When i say "nastiest" she really isn't THAT nasty, she just occasionally slaps my face when i steal her toys, or ride her bike. Serves me right... that bike is about 50cm high. Apparently it bends when i sit on it.

She has been saying "No!" to me a lot lately. And when she does it, she srunches up her lips like so:



actually, she says it like this "nnnnnNO!" and shakes her little finger wildly. It would be quite cute if it wasn't so degrading. Who am I kidding. I find it adorable =P

I am so blessed to have a little sister like Amity. Even if most of my friends dont get to see her bright, charming and funny personality (cept for Erin and tammy) I know, and i get to spend every single day with her.

Olivia, i dont blame you for wanting a child, just not just yet...okay??