WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!

Chck out the number of photos i was tagged in.... again.

oh my gosh. seriously freaked out.

did people randomly delete the exact amount of photos to make it that number again?!?!?

WONDER OF WONDERS, MIRACLE OF MIRACLES!

My
Assignment
is
DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DO ASSIGNMENTS.

NOW MARIAH, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday, i sat in my bedroom trying to do my ancient history assignment.

and i just sat there

and sat there.

and sat there.

and i wrote a research reflection.


No, i actually wrote about 5 different, crappy crappy CRAPPY introductions....

but still, nothing.

AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT>

ARGH I'M GUNNA SCREAM AND TEAR MY OWN HEAD OFF!

I hate the pressure.

I hate my procrastination.

I hate feeling lost and not knowing what to do.




s;p;igh[o8agwh'jgoalvvcxnioo8hrpom44wirb09jp9brmo4w3094jy09hy34hre


It'll take a miracle to get this assignment done.

Lately i've been feeling.... i don't know.
Just feeling.

Moody? happy? sad? angry? worried?

Yer, probably the last one.
Worried.

Worried mostly about peoples perceptions of me.
Which i shouldn't, but i do.

I know the way my peers percieve me. I know the way my friends percieve me, and i am happy with that. Your friends and your peers see you usually correctly. They see you from a level point of view. But i guess i worry about how others percieve me. Non-peers.

Do they think i am bad?

I seriously think they do.
I see the way they look, mutter. I just feel the ominous, hateful vibe. And it worries me. It depresses me. I feel like asking, what I've done wrong, but that would just make me a trouble maker.

They don't realise the effort, the prayers, the sheer will-power i've given to be nice. To actually be loving. Sigh.

I think: It's MY right to be angry.
I think: I should be the cold one.
I think: I despise them, i want them to fail.

I think: .... I just want to be loved :(

I guess at the bottom of it all, we want reciprocation. We want to get out what we put in. We want people to reciprocate our love with love. Reciprocate our respect with respect.
But i guess it doesn't happen like that. And we just have to cop it, and continue loving, even if nobody notices. Even if it makes them despise you more.

Even if they think your being fake.

In the end, that's our reward. God knows our hearts, and God knows theirs.

On another note, one thing i've personally experienced, and what i personally find to be the most horrid accusation to experience, is to be accused of being "ingenuine" and "not putting God first."

That friggen hurts.

seriously.

I think: HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD? HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I PRAY? HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME, YOU JUDGEMENTAL SELFISHLY AMBITIOUS BASTARDS.

but then i think: What does it matter. God knows my heart, God knows their hearts.
And God loves us just the same.

I am no better than them, but can't i reap the rewards now?
I want to be reciprocated.

Later, maybe.
But either way, he knows.

And i'm happy. i'm forgiven, I've forgiven, and i'm forgiving each day.

There's a bigger story in the making :)

i've driven about 2 and a half hours now.

This afternoon, this is what our household sounded like:

Mariah: Adam, adam, adam, adam.

Adam, adam, adam. ADAM. When are you gunna take me driving, when, when? Adam? Adam. Adam.

Amity: Daddy, daddy, daddy! DADDY! I want to go for a bike ride. Daddy! Daddy. Daddy! Bike ride, I want to go for a bike ride.

(Amity is currently learning how to ride a bike, she's pretty good at it so far.)

And then Addy went to the bathroom.
And when he returned, he was finally prepared to take me on the road.

Driving was fun.

Adam is a really good teacher, he's so calm and smart. I felt comfortable driving.

A couple of times i saw him tense a little bit, but thats fine.

I got home, and i got my mum to take me driving down erins street, because it's long and quiet.
And I was giggling the whole time. Which my mum didn't appreciate.
When we were driving home, she pulled the line "Take this seriously! 'Whats the worst that could happen?' I'll tell you the worst that could happen, we could crash into a car, and you'd have a DEAD MOTHER, and that would be on YOUR HANDS!!!!!"

And then i faced the window
to hide my giggling.
And then i felt a whack at the back of my head.
And i saw my mum was laughing too.

*Sigh*

I love pressure situations.
So people's shoulders shake from crying, some peoples shoulders shake from giggling.

I think I'd rather giggle.

Skipping church tonight, i already went this morning.
That and i left it too late to get changed from driving. Oh well.

Happy New Week, friends.

Watching THe social Network again.

I love that movie.

I was talking to my dad today, and he said some interesting stuff, which made me think.

He's only got 4 months left, and they've finally put him in the drug unit. Which means that this whole time they haven't been catering for his needs, even though he's been begging for years, quite pathetic really. If someone recognises their weaknessess and asks for help, and you don't give it to them??
Meh, at least he's in the unit now.

Oh anyway, back to the story. He has this pastor that comes in and sees him, he goes to church, he goes to NA and he goes to this bible study, and he's only just started going to the bibles study.
He told me that he started going to this bible study a while ago, but when he went to shake the leaders hands, the leader had "soft, womanly hands" and spoke femininely. SO my dad stopped going.
My dad said he felt like saying "Dude, my eyes are up here."
But isn't that strange. First impressions are very important. Because that guy had gentle voice and womanly hands, my dad didn't go to the bible study until today... even though my dad has been a christian for a long time.

My dad said that he wasn't interested in being preached at my someone who wasn't manly... which sounds funny, but thats the way he felt. People like him, usually don't respect men with soft lady hands.

But i'm glad my dads doing well. He's participating in "good" fun as he put it, instead of "bad" fun. For example, he plays cards with his friends, and the loser has to dunk his head in the fish tank full of 20cm fish.

Practised driving again today. That was fun.
And i will be going to work at Foodworks burpengary again very shortly.

Toodles.

ESTHER, ESTHER!!!

Welcome!!!!
Buuuut unfortunately... i can't read your blog!! :@
I can't seem to follow it!!!

I am Loving Cage the Elephant's Shake me Down at the moment.

I've been really really moody lately.

I apologise to anyone who's recieved the brunt of that.

I've just been getting frustrated by anything. So if you see me standing in a corner staring into space with my arms folded..... maybe just leave me be. You probably wont get much out of me.

I am a really cruel big sister.

yesterday, Amity and I were having a shower-bath. Any way, when it was well and truly time to get out, i tell her so. She says " No! I don't want to get out!"
And she puts up a fight, So i decided i had to be creative.

I say "Fine, we can stay. But the drain-monster will probably get us."
And then i pull out the plug.

"Listen!" I say "can you hear the drain monter coming?"

The distant sound of gurgling is heard.

I wait..
and wait...
to see if she responds.

Finally, i wait till the sounds grows louder.

and then i start yelling "GET OUT GET OUT!! IT'S HERREEEEEE!!!!!" and i jump out of the bath and leave her in there.

She starts screaming, like full on screaming, and then she tries to get out of the bath herself but ends up straddling the edge and gets stuck.

I help her and cuddle her and tell her I'm just joking and then she starts laughing really really hard.


But she kept up talking about the drain monster long after the incident :S

Poor Amity.

The other day i announced allowed that i was going to walk charlie. Then Amity runs and puts her shoes on and waits at the door. And i have to say no :(
and she cried and cried and i could hear her even when i started walking.

Poor Bub.

Any way, at least Charlie was happy.
We walked to a dog park. But since Charles is untrustworthy, i had to keep him on the leash. Theres a Catholic church just down the road. If only i was Catholic.
One scary thing happened on the walk though. There was this dog, that was loose. It was a scary looking dog, growling, snarling, baring it's teeth and running straight towards me and Charles. I would have thought the dog would just go for Charlie, but he was looking straight at my eyeballs too! There was a moment of terror when i saw the dog bounding towards me and my 43 kilo Lab across the road. I was even more terrified when i saw the hair on Charlies Back ridge up. He's always such a gentle, caring, loving and playful labrodor, he doesn't fight or show aggression.

For some reason, instead of dropping the leash and running for my life which i felt like doing, when the scary dog came within 3 metres i stuck up my hand in a "stop" sign, and firmly but kindly said "No."
And wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, the dog turned and ran away like i'd set its tail on fire.

But unfortunately charlie's back was still ridged, and i had a harder time controlling him. He pulled and pulled and i fell over. I was full on squealing. Not screaming, squealing. I was yelling "Don't you DARE! Charlie! CHARLIE PEANUT HARDY YOU STOP THIS INSTANT! CHARLIE CHARLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"

And then he really freaked me out. He dragged me a couple of metres on the cement.

He pulled my weight.... by his neck. For a few metres.

And that dog allows me to smack him when he does something naughty. He allows me to direct him and control him. His teeth are massive and strong! And HE is strong. I have no doubt that he could easily kill me, and definitely Amity, But thats just not in his nature.
He's only ever bitten me once.
And that was when i was giving him a pigs ear, and he goes into what we call a "peanut trance" and his eyes close, and he licks and chews and wags his tail, and then he accidentally bit me. It didn't even bruise, but he was so guilty. His tail between his legs, His ears pressed to his head, the whites in his eyes showing.

You would think our family beats him up! Nahh, the only thing close to a beater in the family would be me. I punch charlie and kick charlie all the time when we play, but when he's naughty, he gets a little smack... not that it would hurt, because of all of his fur... but to make him realise. and he realises.

I love Charlie.