I'm Pretty sure Amity just said her first prayer :)

I found her looking over at Adams diary for work (a think, black leather book with gold writing on the front) And she seems to think that is a bible. She just looooves bibles. She always comes into my room and we look at my different bibles together, or we go into mummys room and we all read our bibles together (hers is a picture bible) and yer, she just loves them. And then at dinner after i say grace she says "and thank you that we love eachother" and then we say amen.

oh yer, back to the story... she was looking over Adams work diarty and pointing to the words and saying "precious names" "Cheesis lavs mee" "I lav Cheesis" "precious names"

SO then i decided to start praying saying something like

"Dear Jesus, Thank you that you love me, and thank you that you love Amity, and thank you that Amity's so beautiful. In your precious name, Amen."

and then i asked her if she would like to pray and she prayed to Cheesis, said "i lav you" a few times and ended in "precious names"

I can't wait until she gets to meet Jesus for herself :) And i pray that she will every day

NO MORE YEAR 11 EVERRR!!!!!!

Next year we are going to be seniors... the big kids.

I'm EXCITED!!! :D

And you know what else I'm excited for??

... MELBOURNE!!! :D :D :D

Tomorrow at 4:00 I will be waking up and frantically running aorund the house trying to get ready and get last minute things organised.

and you know what else i'm excited about??

... FREE TIME!!!

I'll get to read all the books i want and paint all the pictures i want without the label of procrastination.

and you know what else I'm excited about??

... SUNNY COAST!!!

I'll be going with my family around christimas time :D and i LOVE IT THERE. Last year was sooo fun and peaceful and relaxing and FUN!!! :D

and you know what else I'm excited about??

Actually trying hard in school next year.

Yesterday my day consisted of sleeping in till 9:00 (:O !!)
going on facebook, cleaning my room a bit, tidying the house, doing dishes, taking bin out etc and then organising some clothes to take to melbourne all in time for my Mum to return from the shops.

Then i watched some day time television, City Homicide and Hollyoaks... yuck.

Then I watched a movie "The Rebound"..... stupidest movie EVER. I am usually a sucker for Rom-coms, but seriously... i am growing tired of them. It was just a seedy, sexual movie that had absolutely NOTHING to do with love. And i only laughed when she went on a date with some random dude and he went into a port-a-loo and tried to make conversation while clearly doing a poo. a cheesey, unsatisfying movie.

And then i went of facebook some more, ate some more oranges (my mum is forcing me to eat at least 2 a day to stay healthy in time for Melbourne) typed up some stuff for Art, photoshopped some pictures and then read "The diary of a Young Girl"

Man, that book just makes me bawl my eyes out. Anne really has a way with words. Such a beautiful, beautiful girl. Sometimes its just in the little descriptions that move me, and other times it's like she's decribing me. I can draw so many parallels between her and me and my friends, she's just a normal teenage girl... even through out her hardships.

One thing that made me cry in the book was when she was describing (in mockery) Mr Dussel as he gets up every morning and prays for 15 minutes, on his knees, rocking back and forth. Can you imagine the desperation that would drive those prayers? He was praying to my God, and it seemed like He wasn't even listening. For later on, Alfred Dussel was to carted off - like the rest of them - to a concentration camp to die. And Peter! Beautiful, sweet, quiet Peter was forced into a death march from Auschwitz to Austria! Only to die days before the camp at Austria was liberated! It just doesn't seem fair.

Anne get's the disease like Holly and I do, she feels insecure and lonely like other girls, she just randomly cries sometimes, like other people i know :P She experiences random "rages". She adores writing and making up stories and history and art and obsesses over boys... or just one boy (Peter).

One thing that really got to me was when she was talking about having two sides to her. The loud, happy, cheerful, in your face, occasionally seedy Anne, and then the quiet, deep, thoughtful and sweet Anna that bever gets a chance to come out. I'm pretty sure thats how most girls feel.

With me, it's more a Loud, annoying, over-the-top awkwardness that covers up the quiet, thoughtful, awkward girl who's unsure of what her place is in the world.
---when i was younger i was extremly shy. CRIPPLINGLY SHY! and then i came out more in Mr Gynthers class in grade 7... in grade 8 i hid some more, then in grade 9 in the B-Mores drama class i came completely out to the point of no return :S

I think teen years are just awkward. it's hard to determine where your place is.

But that girl, so much like every other girl..... (except for some EXTREMELY awkward bits in the book... Anne was just weird) Had to go through so much pain. That girl, who has become so significant in so many peoples lives, that girls whose most private thoughts have been made known was killed and tossed into a mass grave like an irrelevant piece of garbage. I wonder if her killers knew that she was special? No, they wouldn't have. How ould they have known that any of them were special.

Flop, i guess what makes me so sad when i read that book, is thinking about something like that happening to my friends :(

To Peter,
We've been missing out on so much here, so very much, and for such a long time. I miss it just as much as you do. I'm not talking about external things, since we're well provided for in that sence; i mean the internal things. Lke you, i long for freedom and fresh air, but i think we've been amply compensated for their loss. On the inside, i mean.

This morning, when i was sitting in front of the window and taking a long, deep look outside at God and nature, i was happy, just plain happy. Peter, as long as people feel that kind of happiness within themselves, the joy of nature, health and much more besides, they'll always be able to recapture that happiness.

Riches, prestige, everything can be lost. But the happiness in your own heart can only be dimmed; it will always be there, as long as you live, to make you happy again.

Whenever you're feeling lonely or sad, try going to the loft on a beautiful day and looking outside. Not at the houses and the rooftops, but at the sky. As long as you can look fearlessly at the sky, you'll know that you're pure within and will find happiness once more.

god of many forms

What do you live for?

what is the most important thing in your life
what drives you
what excites you
what is your reward
what motivates you
what do you enjoy the most
what would cause you great pain if taken away
what is your god

I see so many people obsessed with things that in the end, are absolutely meaningless. These things become their life. For me for a while it was people, people who probably didn't care that much for me. And then it became facebook. Believe it or not, i basically lived for facebook. I enjoyed it the most, i spent the most time with it, facebook would be my reward. Basically at those times, Those people and facbook became my gods. For my Dad, his god is drugs. He lives for drugs, he spends time with drugs, enjoys drugs. Flop, he can't survive with out drugs. And even when given the opportunity to survive without drugs, he CHOOSES drugs. Nothing comes before drugs. nothing. But he is a christian, just as i am. A struggling christian, just as i am and many others are trying desperately to put god first, but more often than not... failing.

Maybe our gods aren't as full on as drugs, but more of a choice. a subtle choice, a subtle ssin that grows into an obsession.

Romans 14:23 "everything that does not come from faith is sin."

so does that mean that every time we log onto facebook we are sinning? every time we choose to sit with our friends for another lazy lunchtime sinful? Every time we open our big gobs and talk about useless junk sinning?

and slowly, slowly, those sins take hold of us and they become our gods.

the door opens just a tiny crack......

so what if we lived for God?

what if God was the most important thing in our lives
what if God drove our life
what if God excited us
what if God was our reward
what if God motivated us
what if we actually enjoyed God
what if we couldn't bear to lose God
what if we actually treated God like a god

hmph. I've been thinking about this stuff a lot lately. what would it take to actually put God first?? I've ried, many many many many times, and failed failed failed failed failed.

failed failed failed.

but wouldn't it be awesome to see what it would look like if people genuinely acted out on this principle? WOuldn't it be amazing to see the faith that comes from treating God like a god and untimately the almost perfect behaviour!
I know right, sounds crazy... but it hink it is possible to be sinless, with pure faith. It talks about it in the bible all the time, but like so many other things, we disregard it and label it as irrelevant and not in conext. Pfft. Take the bible seriously for a change.

eg. If Jesus says he can do anything through prayer... why don't we believe that?
If the bible says we can do all sorts of awesome stuff through the Holy Spirit, why don't we use that?

and whatever happened to miracles?!?!
It's entirely possible, but people have just diluted their faith. Watered down the bible.

If we actually 100% trusted the bible with our lives, if we read it like we have never gone to sunday school or heard about God in our lives... how much would our prayers change??

Nowadays Christians are so wimpy (with some exceptions). Christians are accepted, and given so many opportunitys but absolutely nothing is done about it. For a while i thought that i needed to fit in in order to be a good christian and not judge people. Oh my goodness. I just hate the complacent, lazy culture. I hate all the undercover Christians. (well, i don't hate the actual people)

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Something is missing in Christians, and i think that it is God.

This is my last ever day as a 15 year old.

I rather like being 15.

and for some reason, i feel like crying about it.
16 seems like such a big age. More responsibility, more pressure, getting closer and closer to independance, closer and closer to breaking away... and it frightens me.

I like being 15.
Fifteen is happy.
I don't want to be 16. It just makes me want to cry. I don't want to move forward and grow up. I don't want to lose friends, i don't want to move away from my family. I don't want to give up anything. Okay great, and there are tears in my eyes. Pfft. Pathetic.

I was just reading my very first blog post and this was a fragment of what i said :

I remember as a small child me, Emily, Holly and Cat would pretend to be in a band, or be secret spies, or be ordinary girls with boyfriends. Or i remember times when Cat and I would ride wild stallions, Mine was black and hers was white (although, i think we swapped them around regularly, we both got jealous of eachothers horses)Or Emily and I would pretend to be Egyptians, I was the Queen, she was the slave (don't worry, she always WANTED to be the slave) or when Holly and I pretended to be stranded and we had to build our shelters... i forget what that game was called... but the point is that in all of these games, we were almost 90% of the time pretending we were 16. Now just dwell on this for a moment:

This year is our 16th year.

I find that a little scary. I mean, Block exams, year 11 camp, STudent leadership, some of us will be getting their learners and..and... we will be 16. Sixteen. zestien. ستة عشر. onaltı. seize. SIXTEEN!!!!

Oh well. I guess i don't have much to worry about, i mean... i only just turned 15. So "16. Sixteen. zestien. ستة عشر. onaltı. seize. SIXTEEN!!!!" is actually quite a long way off for me.

Well, now its not.

And i've been through most of the stuff up on that list, but still "16. Sixteen. zestien. ستة عشر. onaltı. seize. SIXTEEN!!!!" still faces me. In about 12 hours.
And even greater difficulties and scarier stuff faces me with next year.


Oh gosh i'm depressing.

I just feel sad and.... i dunno.

Although, good news! I didn't get smash pashed by a random drunk....yet.
So hopefully it will be my sweet 16th :D


goodbye.

Things i have done on the weekend:

Friday Night went to Youth group and swam in the ocean and run amuck on the beach and swam in the lagoon.

Friday Night for some reason couldn't get to sleep all night. Thinking about Little kids in prostitution :(

Saturday went to the movies with Kahla, Brooke, Emily and Nick and saw "Life as we know it"

And then after that i went to see Holly at work :D

When i got home I sat on my bedroom floor and started organising all my Cert 3 stuff. All three booklets, all three journals, all 3 seminars and lose sheets i had to organise and add up all my hours and fill in all my reviews and fill in all of the excercises. ANd now....Cert 3 is basically complete. Except for the Live in Mission section. But i'll have to do that next year.
I was panicking about catching up on my readings for Cert 3. We had to do 84 over the year, it turns out i did 140. It turns i did way more hours than expected in bascially everything. HUGE BURDEN LIFTED.

Yesterday I went to the shops with Erin and we got some white shirts and black pants and ate Maccas and icecream. Then i watched Prince of Persia with my mum, and then i went to work for 7 hours. Yuckkkeeeee. But naah, it wasn't too bad. Friendly customers, friendly boss, easy work.

Maths assignment is complete and handed in.

Ancient Essay Test is done.

Drama script is loosely learnt... gunna panick more tonight and tomorrow night when it is actually on.

I got the part i wanted for Fiddler.

SO! that leaves these things to stress over:

ART ASSIGNMENTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!
Maths test
Ancient test
English test
Drama performance.

Not too shabby, and all of them (besides Art) i am capable of doing.

YAY!!

Flop.

Do you ever all of the sudden get that overwhelming feeling of guilt and realisation that millions of people are in extreme suffering, fighting for life and simply living day by day?
Do you ever get that anger and restlessness because there are children who are suffering in the world. I mean children! there has to be something so messed up in the world that people are beginning to turn on it's own children. Isn't it our job to protect them and nurture them? I mean, i can't really talk because i guess i am still a child. But i'm not really.

I was thinking the other day about how every one always says how kids are so young and impressionable. I always cast the comment aside and thought of myself as strong and capable of making my own decisions, but the more i think of it, the more i realise how heavily influenced I am by my surroundings. My opinion can be changed so quickly and i am constantly learning, constantly growing and constantly yet subconsiously watching. Watching the way friends behave, teachers behave, my parents behave, my family behaves and copying it. I'm constantly listening to peoples opinions and opening my mind to them. Youth really is a dangerous time, and then i think about the children who just grow up living in poverty. Grow up not knowing when they are going to live next. Grow up in absolute filth, with sickness all around. Constantly fighting as hard as then can to survive. I think of little kids whose main source of influence, love and affection sells them for as little as $50 to be prostituted.

I can't even imagine! I can't imagine the desperation that would drive that kind of decision. I can't even bring myself to think about the little girls when they are taken away from their families and forced into such a life. It makes me feel physically ill.

I clearly remember the worst night of my life.
I was on a camp, and my only friend was my bestfriend from school. I wasn't very confident so i kinda clung to this friend. And then i ended up doing something wrong without realising it, she ignored me for the whole night, i found out that this random girl hated me because i "replaced" her or something, and i was all alone. I had no friends, and i was at this talent night and i had to sit by myself and laugh and pretend that nothing was wrong. But oh my gosh, it was truly the worst night of my life. As soon as i was alone i just bawled my eyes out. For ages. One of those snotty, hiccup-y cries. Yessssshh.
But then again, I still knew that after the camp i would be able to come home to my Mummy and tell her everything. i would be able to come back to friends, come back to comfort. But even then, me and my friend talked about it that night and sorted things out. And we were best friends again. Oh my goodness, Thats so flippin unfair. The worst night of my life would definitely be the best night of some other kids life.

Thinking of that experience that i had, i can't stop thinking about how those little girls would feel, cause i know that i when i was a little girl, thats when i was the most insecure. Thats when i missed my mummy the most, thats when i cried the most and thats when i had the potential to feel the most alone. How would those little girls feel being chucked into the most brutal environment imaginable, with cold-hearted men and women who exploit them. Seriously, something must be dead inside of them to be able to do that, to little boys and girls.

Every 26 seconds. Every 26 seconds a new child is either sold or forced into prostitution. I dont know which would be worse. Being sold by your own family, and working there believing that you are saving them? or simply being tricked or forced.
Every 26 seconds little kids have to endure the most horrible stuff.
And i remember feeling violated when a random man smacked me on the bum with a newspaper. Like seriously... I cried.

Flop. Theres so much evil in the world, and it’s so easy to just forget about it, because its so distant, its so unrelatable, we can just forget about it and go on with our pretty, shiny, comfortable lives.

Complacent, Lazy, Selfish lives.

And I don’t think about those little kids as much as I should. I forget about them when I eat, I forget about them when I go to sleep in my warm comfy bed, I forget about them when I’m busy being stupid with friends. I always think that they are the minority, but they are the majority. We are the minority. And why, oh why was I so lucky to be apart of this minority?

I really hope I can make the most of it.

Photo Bombs

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must i wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when i fall.

But i trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13

LOL

sooo... I didn't get into leadership this year.
Which is fine, I'm sure there were valid reasons, but it's still a bit sad for me :P

6 years I've been a leader. Ever since grade 6. And ive been coming to Mueller since i was 4 years old. So yer, i was a little bit sad.
Sad enough to cry :P
but that was mainly because some people were yelling in my ear "I GOT IIINN!!!!" and i had to sit all through morning tea waiting to scan through a whole copied and pasted, impersonal letter just to find the words "unfortunately Mariah"
I was absolutely fine and put on a brave face until people started showing sympathy, people hugged me, people forced me to talk, people started abusing the system, people started threatening to riot. Thats when i started crying :P

But it's not like i really have a reason to be sad. I shouldn't be sad at all, i'm not actually that sad really. I mean, being a leader isn't the best thing in the world!!

But yer, I think it mainly hurt that i wasn't good enough.
I didn't make it.
The year 12's didn't think i was good enough, my teachers didn't think i was good enough, some peers at the beginning of this year didn't think i was good enough, so i missed out.

I can just imagine the comments teachers made
"Mariah is an annoying, over-the-top, innapropriate and loud student who doesn't know when to shut up"

But i hate peoples sympathy. I just hate it. Let me be, sure, i didn't get to see the end of somthing i've basically dedicated 6 years of my life too, sure i made a promise to God that i would be 100% genuine this year so then if i got in, it would be me for me and obviously me wasn't good enough. Sure, I'm a bit sad but anything, anything but your sympathy and hugs. Anything but concern and seriousness, cause that just tips me over the end.

What i'm most scared of, is seeming weak. like a sore loser. i really am not, i am genuinely happy for every one who got in, and i wouldn't have it any other way...
I am just disappointed in myself. Obviously I've done something wrong, Obviously i myself am a disappointment if, after 6 years, i finally get rejected.

Emily didn't get in either :(
That makes me really sad. I can't help but feel that she was a bit of a scape goat, after all, she was honest, genuine and the better friend.

SIgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

But next year is going to be a good year.
I know it, and i will make the best of it :)

By the way, don't take this post seriously, i am just offloading my emotions :)
sometimes, you just need to get it down, publish it on the internet for at least 2 people to read to make it more real :P

Hahah thanks Holly and Erin, you guys are my rocks :P (besides God)